Prologue. The Scientific Foundation

Basic concepts, cognitive distortions, and beliefs.

This book demonstrates the relevance of psychologically healthy relationships in life, describes the problems that arise and how they differ, and shows how various cognitive distortions influence a person’s model of behavior through thinking.

The way a person establishes themselves in modern society, the way they move through life leaning on family values, is directly reflected in the relationship between a man and a woman. But when does the phenomenon of “Harmonious Relationships” come into being?

To begin with, people’s desire to create a family within psychologically healthy relationships is a need. The motive is to meet and communicate, driven by internal factors (the need for love and care, the desire to be among people) and external factors (national and moral values, upbringing in the family, government policy), to build a closer relationship, and to enter into marriage. The goal is to develop the marriage into a family system (forming and building material values, having children, raising them, separation), to form values within the relationship, and to deepen and preserve feelings of love.

Biological factors (the way a personality takes shape at the psychogenetic level within society) reveal its individual traits and create its uniqueness. This, in turn, is reflected not only in a person’s social status but also in their relationship models.

Relationship models built on psychological complexes often become a serious problem in someone’s personal and professional life. Our main goal is to uncover the core cognitive cause hidden within these models of behavior and, with the help of a new Phoenix Transformation Methodology that you will soon get to know, to help form a mature way of thinking.

With the methodology for building healthy relationships set out here, every person will be able to see the objective psychological causes of their needs. If cognitive transformation holds the power to influence the main goals of life and social status, then the book The Phoenix Era is offered as a textbook for psychologists and those who work with psychology, and as a therapeutic method for those who want to change their life for the better.

The main factor shaping interpersonal relationships is the complexes inside a person. Psychological complexes create obstacles of all kinds. Acting on a person’s inner state, they can lead to psychological disorders if not addressed in time. For example, a person suffering from a guilt complex considers themselves at fault in every situation and falls into a depressive state.

How does this happen? Under the influence of psychological complexes, the decisions a person makes and the way they communicate with others stem from neurotic needs. When feelings, emotional states, thoughts and behavior gather into a single complex and produce the same fixed reactions over and over, that is what we define as a psychological complex. Because psychological complexes take shape in early childhood, through interactions with those closest to a person and especially through contact with their parents, they are considered psycho-emotional complexes.

Once we grasp this, we can analyze the cause behind each psychological complex. Analyzing complexes through psychoanalysis uncovers the secrets hidden deep within our thoughts and leads to a change in the stereotypical thinking that holds us back.

There isn’t a person alive without at least one psychological complex. If such a person existed, they would have no emotions, no feelings, no goals in life. We rarely see such people; their presence in society goes unnoticed. Given that a person’s contact with the world around them depends largely on their relationship model, the methodology for building harmonious, healthy relationships is built precisely on these complexes. The aim of the book is to help people live in love and peace.

Why is this methodology better than others? The behavior models described in this book have many advantages over earlier classifications of people by personality type. Take temperaments, for example. Temperaments tie a person to a character fixed from birth. If that is all you have to go on, it seems a person has no chance to change in the future and build healthier relationships. Even the excessive emphasis many psychologists place on personality types often produces poor results.

Beyond psychology, it is the same story. In astrology, dividing people by zodiac signs treats a person’s behavior and thinking as an immutable, fixed model. Any classification that tells a person “this is what you are, and it is forever” can become a trap. Because from the moment of birth, a person constantly reshapes their thinking, their emotional life, their behavior—with every new piece of information, every day, every hour, every moment. What we offer is not a label but a tool for observing yourself. Each of us has witnessed this over the course of a lifetime. Every person passes through the stages of psycho-emotional development within different age frames.

Yet it is precisely the relationship models, absent from most classifications, that reveal the common, essential threads running through a person’s thinking, feelings and behavior. The relationship models presented in this book let a person see the aspects of their behavior that do not make them happy, quickly decide to change, and move to a different relationship model. This approach, then, should be the right tool for anyone who wants to make a change in their life.

In several psychiatric classifications, the cause underlying a person’s behavior models is treated as a personality pathology. If a behavior model is treated as an illness, it means that person will seemingly never be able to build healthy relationships. Framing it as a personality or behavioral disorder, in turn, presents it as an unchangeable trait. Such stigma confuses even the specialists working in this field. If a person is believed to have an unchangeable trait, then what is to be done? This situation leaves the specialist helpless in every effort and attempt. None of these approaches, then, works as a psychotherapeutic tool capable of bringing change into a person’s life.

Neither personality type theory, nor the concept of personality disorders, nor other mystical theories allow a person to develop through their own will, consciousness and intellect and change their life. The core problem at the root of these theories is that they stigmatize people; that is, they seal these qualities shut. In reality, that is not the case.

When we observe a person’s life over a long period, we see that, objectively, their way of thinking changes, and their emotional states change gradually as well. This very changeability is considered one of the adaptive traits of every living organism. Taking it as an axiom, we see that adaptation truly is one of the fundamental functions of all living beings. Therefore, if a person does not want to change, psychotherapeutic techniques have no effect either. It turns out that in such situations, specialists working in psychological services are left helpless, able only to offer explanations. What good does it do a person to realize which personality type they belong to? If it is an unchangeable trait, what is the point of seeing a psychologist at all? Lengthy therapies lead to a meaningless loss of time, and in the end the person, their spirit broken, is condemned to remain stuck in the same problems.

The relationship models compiled in this book consist of objectively measurable units. A person’s way of thinking, their style of expressing thoughts and values, the variability of their mood and their behavior model can be observed in a stable form. But we must not forget: this is only a behavior model. At any given moment, a person may display different behavior models in different settings. For example, a grown man, coming to visit his father, may present himself as an “Infanta” (a child) when meeting his parents. (The classification of relationship models mentioned in these examples will be laid out further on.) This behavior model has been observed since his childhood; it is one of his stable behavior models. Since it is a model rooted in childhood experience, this way of thinking is his native approach. But once he leaves there and returns home to his own family, a completely different behavior model may appear. Because on the basis of the experience gained throughout his life, he displays the relationship model that fits the situation.

Gradually, as values and thinking change, the relationship model naturally shifts along with them. At the same time, returning to work, the person becomes someone entirely different. They behave differently with colleagues, with management, with clients. For example, a person might say: “I’m someone who doesn’t tolerate objections. I say things only once.” If this is part of their way of thinking, it can be very important within their family circle. But they may not display the same attitude with their father and mother. A newly acquired way of thinking can also take shape through situations they have encountered throughout life. What matters is which relationship model they come to regard as their own out of all the experiences they’ve gathered over the years, as if they claim it and take ownership of it. Whichever relationship model a person feels closest to (that is, considers a fit for their way of thinking) is the one they will begin to apply throughout life. This becomes their formed, stable relationship model. The behavior model may change depending on the situation, but they will choose one as the right fit for themselves and develop it as their constant relationship model.

Although the relationship models described in the book The Phoenix Era can be observed in a person across different situations and in different styles, the style of behavior a person has adopted can remain their primary behavior model for a long time. Society’s stereotypes, public censure, pressure and control over one’s personal life cause the relationship model embraced in a person’s thinking to harden into a stable habit. This is more noticeable in romantic relationships. A person becomes easy to read: you can tell from the very first meeting how their communication in a love relationship began. It is precisely this feature that allows specialists working in couples therapy to start their exploration with this very question: “What feelings and thoughts prompted you to start communicating with them at that first meeting?” Which behavior models led the person to make that decision the first time?

We do not call this a dependent relationship. Because, as we noted earlier, even though various personality types, psychopathological states, and dependent states exist, each of them touches only a part of communication. But the question of why this communication is the way it is, and how it can be changed, often goes unanswered in other theories. Yet investigating the root cause of the situation remains the primary goal. That is why these theories are considered useless to psychologists as a practical tool. For this very reason, in many cases people see no serious difference between astrological forecasts and personality types. Even people engaged in modern astrology try to put forward astrology as a theory of personality types. The reason is that the theory of personality types used in psychology does not hold up in practice either. Although it consists of conventional dimensions, there is no practical mechanism that would account for a person’s daily changes and their achievements in life.

The fundamental principles of psychoanalysis as a methodology. Before we structurally lay out the various relationship models, we need to examine the classical methodological approaches, the defined principles for studying this concept. Building on the theory of psychoanalysis, we divide the structure of the personality into 3 components: Ego, Superego, and Id.

EGO—Perfection, acuity, the reality principle, a behavior model of external control.

ID—The subconscious, hidden motives at the unconscious level, concerning needs.

SUPEREGO—Higher consciousness, responsible for values, morality, spirituality; it influences the behavior model of self-control. It carries the function of responsibility for what a person can and cannot do in society.

The alignment of family values is one of the principal foundations for forming peaceful relationships.

The stages of psychosexual development (after Freud). A child experiences its first stress at birth, as it separates from the mother’s womb. Gradually it begins to see itself and the people in close contact with it. How it sees them is shaped by the environment. At this time, various cognitive distortions arising from traumatic situations give rise to different emotional states in the child. Even if a person forgets the emotions suppressed during the period of value formation, the dominant moments in emotional memory reveal themselves in various situations.

If we build on Sigmund Freud’s theory, the energy of the libido retains its foundation in infantile-level experiences. At each stage, this libido energy covers specific age ranges. The transition from one period to the next must be tied to the resolution of a specific conflict.

The oral stage (0–1.5 years). During this period, the child’s oral region is closely connected with the satisfaction of biological needs and pleasurable sensations. We can see cases of fixation on methods of oral stimulation in a number of habits children develop later in life. Around us there are quite a few people who bite their nails, smoke, or note a particular sensitivity around their lips—people who, under particular stress, try to indulge these habits even more. Usually, as a result of a disruption at this phase, a schizoid personality type may begin to form in a person.

The anal stage (1.5–3 years). At this age, the libido is directed toward the anus. The child begins to take pleasure in defecation. It is precisely in this phase that the child, although aware of its own desires, finds them clashing with the demands of the environment. In such conflicts, adults impose various restrictions on where and when children may relieve themselves. Freud believed that in this phase, lasting up to age 3, children grow accustomed to free functioning and begin to enjoy their sense of control. The way such rules are applied lays the foundation for the individual’s reactions to various rules later in life. As a result of any disruption at the anal stage, an epileptoid personality type may form in a person, along with aggressiveness, tension, affective reactions, and a tendency to drift toward negative thoughts.

The phallic stage (3–5 years). Feelings are now centered in the genitals, and regardless of the child’s sex, masturbation becomes a new source of pleasure. Naturally, the pleasure children of this age get from touching their genitals has nothing to do with sexual desire; it is simply physiological curiosity. At this stage, the child learns about anatomical sex differences, and in the Oedipus complex (in boys) and the Electra complex (in girls; the term was introduced by Carl Jung, not Freud), a confrontation arises between feelings of erotic attraction, rivalry, jealousy, and fear. Thus, by accepting their own sexual characteristics, the child resolves the stage of identification. The main influence of the phallic period lies precisely in the Oedipus complex, which in its time stirred up fierce debate around Freud. First of all, boys begin to suppress their desires for their mother (pushing them out of consciousness), but this, in turn, intensifies the feeling of rivalry toward the father. The child feels weak in the face of the father and anxiously imagines the father’s revenge. Freud called this fear “castration” in his theory, and in his view it was precisely this fear that made the boy abandon his intention. At the age of 3–5, the child imitates male behavior, resolves the Oedipus complex, and accepts their identification. By internalizing the values, inner feelings, and behavior of an older person, they bring about the formation of their Superego. Just as with boys, the mother becomes the first object of love for girls. But upon entering the phallic phase, the girl, noticing the absence of a male sexual organ in herself, seems to experience a feeling of inferiority. Subconsciously, she begins to blame her mother for her “defective” birth. At the same time, she experiences a feeling of possessiveness toward her father and, as it were, steps forward as a rival to her mother. Feelings of jealousy may awaken between them. At the stage of self-discovery, she over time suppresses her feelings for her father and, identifying with her mother, frees herself from the Electra complex. In this way the girl, who carries the symbol of the mother’s image, increases her chances of one day building a family with a man like her father.

The latent stage (6–12 years). The latent stage can be seen as preparation for the final period of psychosexual development. From the age of 6–7 onward, children take a growing interest in various intellectual pursuits, sports, and communication with peers. Until the onset of adolescence, the child’s psychological development is directed once again toward social activity. Although this stage is called latent, it is extremely important for the psychological development of the personality. During this period, a person’s moral values take shape, and the concepts of good and bad begin to serve as the primary means of governing one’s own behavior. If moral and ethical upbringing is not taken seriously at this stage, this person will later prove unstable in matters of moral values. There will not be enough moral strength to set a goal in life based on one’s own values and to remain faithful to that goal. By the end of this stage, the individual possesses modesty and self-criticism. The beliefs accompanying these feelings vary enormously depending on the environment and historical period in which a person lives. For example, one person feels shame and blames themselves for stealing, while another commits the same act and feels pride.

The genital stage (from age 12). The period after maturity continues until the end of life. The initial phase of the genital stage is characterized by biochemical and physiological changes in the body. It is precisely as a result of these changes that the transitional period in adolescents shows up, with heightened wildness and increased sexuality. According to Freud’s theory, it is at this stage that the ideal “Genital character” should take shape. For this, a person, having recognized responsibility for the important questions of life, must give up the passivity inherent in childhood. Love, security, and physical comfort once came easily. Now they must work for each of them. Otherwise, the absence of a Genital character can lead to irresponsible behavior—a person who answers for none of their actions. Such people, contributing nothing to society, often live off someone else for years on end and remain dependent on others.

S. Freud maintains that every person must complete the period of psychosexual development in a healthy way in order for a mature model of thinking to take shape. All subsequent periods of maturation change depending on a person’s position in life and on various relationship models. It is precisely within this system of dynamic development that the emergence of neurotic states tells us that the cognitive distortions that have arisen are preventing a person from building healthy relationships. Yet despite the presence of various psychological barriers, the decisions an individual makes in matters of family relations, professional duties, and socially significant events may seem acceptable. This is precisely why stereotypical behaviors that society condemns from the standpoint of moral values still hold firm and make up the majority. For example, although early marriages are condemned by society, they are still frequently observed in many families.

As the individual develops, they accept the restrictions of society while trying to find various ways to obtain the pleasure they desire. These strategies of adaptation make up the behavioral model inherent in the person’s sex.

And so, in this book, we will analyze together the relationship models that have arisen from various false ideologies and that interfere with a person’s healthy thinking. In this book you will find the answers to these questions and the ways to solve them:

Why can’t people be happy, regardless of their social status? What drives a person to drift along with the current of these false games?