Chapter 1. The Relationship Model “Lilith”

When gold outweighs love: The money trap.

1. NAME AND MEANING

Transcription and Etymology: The model takes its name from Lilith (Hebrew: לילית). In Jewish mythology and aggadic texts, Lilith is described as Adam’s first wife, created not from his rib but from the same clay. She refused to submit, pronounced the forbidden name of God, and left Eden, becoming a demonic entity.

If we follow the logic of Saint John of Damascus, angels are incorporeal by nature, but can take on forms. Demons, however, create nothing new; they only imitate. In terms of our methodology, Lilith is not about gender; it is about priority: material provision and security are placed above emotional closeness and trust.

The roots of the image reach back into Sumero-Akkadian mythology, where the demons lilû were associated with wind and storm. In Kabbalah (the Zohar), Lilith is the embodiment of the kelipot (unclean shells). In Greek mythology, echoes of this image can be seen in the figure of Lamia. Across all cultures, a single stereotype runs through: a being that chooses the path of isolation and material consumption instead of a creative bond.

2. SLOGAN AND BELIEFS

People in the “Lilith” state of mind often voice thoughts that become their life’s creed. Here are three core beliefs you can hear on social media, on forums, and in everyday conversation:

“Everything in the world is a lie, except money.” (The belief that only material resources guarantee security.)

“Love can be bought if you have enough money.” (Reducing feelings to a transaction.)

“Nothing is impossible for someone who has capital.” (Faith in the omnipotence of resources over morality.)

3. INFORMATION BLOCK: HISTORY, LITERATURE, AND PSYCHOLOGY

Why does a person come to the conclusion that “love can be bought”? This is not an innate trait; it is the result of a cognitive distortion. Let’s examine the mechanism through the lens of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Imagine this situation: a person falls in love and is rejected; the partner chooses someone else, someone in a better financial position. The observer draws a conclusion: “For them, only money matters.”

Here, a classic cognitive distortion takes place: overgeneralization. A single event is extrapolated to all people. A stable belief (a schema) forms: “Money is everything; feelings come second.”

This belief dictates behavior. The person becomes a carrier of the “Lilith” model: someone who tries to buy everything while devaluing feelings. They use money to demean their partners, thereby convincing themselves they are right: “See? You’re with me only for the money, so love doesn’t exist.” And so the loop closes. The pain of rejection is drowned out by control. But the price is spiritual stagnation.

What happens to feelings at this moment? The person begins to hide the feelings that arise in various situations, to suppress them, or not to notice them at all. Even when the conditions for logical thinking are perfect, it is precisely these distorted beliefs that stand in the way of an objective approach to one’s own choices. The person no longer acts from their own desires, but under the sway of convictions hammered into their consciousness. And what’s wrong with that, you may ask. Well, the person gradually begins to avoid all feeling whatsoever: joy, sadness, aggression are suppressed and forgotten. Logic may prevail, but the processes unfolding in the soul are muffled. For them, none of it matters anymore. They think: “If I have money, I’ll be able to buy love too,” “If I have money, I’ll be happy.”

What happens next: the carrier of this mindset begins laying the foundation for fundamentally unhealthy, neurotic relationships. They may not even realize that they themselves are ready to sell themselves for money. But it is precisely this conviction that pushes them to sacrifice feelings on the altar of material well-being.

Meet the result: the “Lilith” relationship model takes shape. Why Lilith, of all figures? In Jewish mythology, Lilith is considered a female demon. She is mentioned as Adam’s first wife and the first she-devil. Her name appears in the most ancient Mesopotamian texts. The Jews regard Lilith as an evil force. According to legend, she was banished from the Garden of Eden for refusing to submit and obey Adam.

Lilith can be pictured as the first feminist in history. By tradition, she rose up against Adam, refusing to obey him, and marshaled every possible argument in favor of equality. To gain dominion over him, she knew how to play on Adam’s passion with the power of her own charms. Far from spirituality, she manipulated sensual, sexual urges. And although this very couple is considered the founders of the first human relationship, its foundation rested on unsightly and empty feelings. The old saying that you can’t take it with you meant nothing to them. It was Lilith who, for the sake of various gains, engaged in betrayal and tried, by that path, to seduce the first man. Striving to become his equal, she tried to lay claim to all the blessings of the world. This cunning and greed of hers made her behavior akin to Iblis in Islam, or the “fallen angel” Lucifer in Christianity. That is why she could never stand level with Adam. Banished from paradise and transformed into a demon, Lilith never reconciled herself to this verdict and fed her hatred for Eve without pause. But she could never manage to rival Eve, for Eve was created from Adam’s rib and was emotionally bound to him. That bond turned their relationship into bright and pure feelings. Lilith, far removed from such sincerity, could never measure up to Eve. Each of her new attempts was rejected by Adam. According to legend, here lay yet another reason for Lilith’s revenge. Taking the lowest path of all, she became known as the killer of human children. Here we can see negative, destructive feelings at work. And today, sunk in the sins of envy, malice, and hatred, forces like these still wield destructive power among people. For Lilith, nothing sacred remained; losing again and again, she only deepened her hatred for everything of male nature. For men who chose women like Eve and followed the pull of love, she laid thousands of nasty snares, luring them into her enchanted nets and consigning them to cruel execution.

What’s more, in a number of later interpretations of Jewish mythology, Adam’s son Cain was actually descended from Lilith. Of course, in traditional Jewish mythology, Cain is considered the son of Adam and Eve. But even while being Adam’s son, he, according to this version, carried within him the gene of his mother Lilith, and that is precisely why he so easily submitted to the evil forces of Iblis and killed his brother Abel. This alternative interpretation is viewed with mixed reactions, but within the relationship model we are examining, we can use it to show the influence of such feelings as envy and jealousy, inherited from Lilith. Failing to share a mother’s love, as if striving to claim that love for himself alone, he takes the lowest step of all and, out of jealousy, kills his own brother.

In psychoanalysis there is a concept known as the “Cain complex.” If you observe children, you will notice that brothers and sisters sometimes try to strike one another. It is as if they enter into a rivalry in order to win a parent’s attention and care.

For example, if a person is incapable of winning love in a relationship through genuine emotion, they will always resort to passion and charm as an instrument. That is why such people look with mockery and contempt on those who are truly emotionally attached to one another. They seize the first opportunity to deny love itself. If love and passion, as a symbol embodying the power of the Creator, are felt in every breath, then the mindset of those who lean only on material values is infinitely removed from that spirituality. Regardless of origin, race, faith, or station, anyone who sees in the love of life nothing but the worship of jewels will never discern the divine gifts in the sparks of human love. That is why our heroine Lilith, coming into conflict with spiritual and moral norms, ends up banished from the Garden of Eden. If we turn to a range of religious and mythological sources, in many interpretations of the Torah, the Bible, and Jewish tradition, she is considered cursed to this very day.

Even in modern society, a person deeply versed in sexual relations, if they place material values above spiritual feelings, may perform with virtuosity in bed, skillfully wielding their charm, yet they will never succeed in conquering their partner’s soul emotionally. And so within the relationship they will constantly sense their own weakness in this respect. They will repeat the question “Why not me? What am I missing?” for the rest of their life. Regardless of gender, those who choose to build relationships with precisely this mindset meet for money, “love” for money, and even while uttering false declarations of love, are quite capable of believing them. Yet such relationships never satisfy them, because they exploit the partner’s weakest point, the very thing the relationship is built on, and then subject it to punishment.

In today’s society, the “Lilith” relationship model is most widespread in the intra-family relations of couples, in the choice of a life partner among single people, in dealings with superiors at work, in interactions with friends and acquaintances, and, most importantly, it can be seen as one of the causes of infidelity.

In families built on this kind of thinking, the moment material problems arise, the values once proclaimed lose all meaning.

A case in point is Jafar Jabbarli’s work Aydın. There, the plight into which Gultekin falls is born of her becoming the victim of love bought with money. The members of the poor family, whom a wealthy man is determined to buy at any price, served in this situation merely as a means of awakening his hidden feelings. But Dovlet-bek, who treats it all as a game and an amusement, is a skilled performer of the “Lilith” relationship model. This prototype, wanting to awaken with money the feelings he himself never lived, is prepared to sacrifice those very feelings for the sake of money. And what role does the other side play in this game? Feelings sacrificed to need come alive in the figure of Gultekin. The step Gultekin takes in this situation, and her entanglement in the “Lilith” relationship model, can be explained by various causes. But in toxic relationships, both sides embody the “Lilith” formula.

Since feelings get in the way for people with this kind of mindset, they prefer to suppress and deny their own emotions as much as possible. Even when they experience love, they perceive it through the prism of money. People who occupy this position reflect one of the most widespread problems of modern society. Both parties caught up in the “Lilith” relationship model prefer to keep the relationship going through all manner of manipulative games. Victims, inclined to stay silent to satisfy their psycho-emotional needs without ever leaving their comfort zone, repeat the same pattern of behavior over and over. A person in the victim position justifies their entanglement in the “Lilith” relationship model with phrases like “I have no choice,” “I’m doing it for the children,” “I’m in a hopeless situation”—words spoken only to justify the wrong steps. These thoughts, hardening into deep conviction, keep exerting a constant influence. And in either case, whether victim or hunter, if a person does not become aware of their responsibility, they will never be able to break out of this relationship model. And if in the end, despite all the reasons that have come up, the situation does not change, if a person is still being bought with money, if they are still forced to smother their feelings and desires, how then can they preserve their own dignity?

What has to happen for a person to break this system of relationships and escape from a circle that seems to have no way out?

The suppressed feelings that have piled up over many years have to reach a critical mass, explode, and come to the surface. A person has to admit to themselves: “Enough! I don’t want to put up with this for money. I’m a human being too; I have a heart too.” With the help of this new way of thinking, they can get out of the trap of the game. Unfortunately, if the victims of this game truly feel guilty, they sometimes see the way out in taking their own lives. In ancient Japan, for example, there was a custom under which a woman who had been raped was forced into ritual suicide in order to be cleansed of the defilement and protect her honor. Clearly, death is not the way out in such a situation. If Gultekin had understood that she was not obliged to take this step for anyone’s sake, she would have left the game with ease. But she saw her way out in death… For her trampled sense of self and her pride were the product of that very way of thinking. If only the thought “No! I am not a player in this game” had been accepted in time, it could have laid a foundation and set a new scenario in motion for the future of the family system. If, as the bitter outcome of many failed love affairs, the carriers of the Lilith relationship model decide to change their lives, they will first need to look at the system of values in their relationships. Even if the prostitute’s mindset still rules in secret, once material values no longer carry any psychological weight, a serious change in thinking can begin. If money no longer seems to do anything for happiness, then values have to be rebuilt. When a person realizes that their material wants have been met and they still do not feel happy, the result is disappointment and low spirits. The person begins to withdraw from society, grows aggressive toward people who hold the same values, and, despite the years they have lost, finds that even the sheer amount of material wealth no longer lifts their spirits. Lilith withdraws into herself and, after an inner dialogue, decides that she no longer wants to live this way. After that decision she lets out, in a frenzy, the feelings she had suppressed and denied, spends recklessly, and declares that money and possessions are worthless. She tries to test morally those who worship money and material values, and she cruelly punishes and humiliates those who fail the test.

Take the film Indecent Proposal: Robert Redford, in the role of a billionaire, offers a married woman, played by Demi Moore, and her husband a million dollars in exchange for one night with her. The rich man who makes this offer is in the depressive phase of the Lilith relationship model and already knows that material values bring no joy. So he uses money to test a couple who dream of having that kind of money. There was love in their relationship before, and material values played no great part in it; yet when they come face to face with this depressive Lilith, his emotional pressure and this test change the moral values of their world. For all their agitation, in the end they decide in favor of the money. And that tears their love apart and leaves no trace of those lofty feelings.

So the main character of this film is not a positive figure; on the contrary, he is the cruelest person in it. Just like Lilith, who could not accept Adam’s love for Eve, he is inclined, out of envy and jealousy, to separate people who love each other. Carriers of the Lilith relationship model in the depressive phase are, in this way, even more dangerous to the morals of the people around them.

And what do the stars or personality types have to do with it?

“They’re wherever logic and hope are gone.”

In theological terms, this is the seal of sin. In psychological terms, a defense mechanism. A person can grow financially, since that becomes their overriding goal, but they don’t grow as a person. They get stuck at the Lilith stage, because this model offers an illusion of security while blocking any chance of building trusting relationships.

Literary archetype: Gultekin and Dovlet-bek. The most vivid example of this model in culture is Aydın, a work by the Azerbaijani classic Jafar Jabbarli. The figure of Gultekin, who has fallen into a dire situation, becomes the victim of feelings bought with money. Dovlet-bek is a typical embodiment of the “Lilith” model. He tries to buy favor, using material levers, convinced that any price is worth paying. Yet feelings acquired with money turn out to be poison. In this situation, Gultekin becomes a hostage of the model, where her emotions are devalued in exchange for material security. This is not mere fiction; it is a reflection of real psychology: when one partner tries to buy love and the other sells it for security, both end up trapped. In toxic relationships, both sides often embody the Lilith formula.

Mythological context: The Cain complex. In Jewish mythology, Lilith is considered the mother of demons. In some interpretations, even Cain (Kain) is considered the son of Lilith, not of Eve. This symbolizes the passing down of a genetic line of envy and destruction. Cain kills Abel out of jealousy, unable to share his parents’ love. In psychology, this echoes the “Cain complex”: when a person cannot win love through emotions, they try to destroy their rival or buy affection. Lilith, having failed to become Adam’s equal through spirit, attempts to rule through flesh and matter. She hates Eve because Eve chose love and connection, not power.

Psychosomatics and emotions. People with this kind of thinking tend to suppress their emotions. Joy, sorrow, aggression—everything gets squeezed down and forgotten. Logic wins, but the processes of the heart fall silent. They think: “If I have money, I’ll be able to buy love too.” But gradually they run from every feeling. It simply no longer matters to them. They act on instilled convictions, not on their own desires.

4. 5 FAMOUS FIGURES (ARCHETYPES OF THE MODEL)

Historical and cultural figures whose behavior matched the “Lilith” model for most of their lives. To grasp the essence of the model, it’s important to look at concrete life situations that show material things taking priority over emotions.

Marquise de Pompadour (Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, France, 18th century).

A girl from a bourgeois family who bet on a liaison with King Louis XV not so much for passion as for social advancement and political power.

Manifestation of the model: She calculated every step with care. Even after physical intimacy with the king ended, she held onto her position, becoming his counselor and friend, securing titles and wealth for herself and her family. Her relationship was built on exchange: her intellect and her organizing of the king’s leisure in return for absolute security and influence. Emotional attachment came second to preserving her status.

Zsa Zsa Gabor (Hungary/USA, 20th century).

An actress and socialite who was married nine times. Her life became a textbook example of seeking security through men.

Manifestation of the model: Her famous line: “A man should pay for dinner to know he can afford it.” She openly admitted that men were her means of securing comfort. When a relationship stopped being profitable or turned boring, she broke it off without a second thought and found a new sponsor. Her life showed that even with a multitude of marriages, a deep emotional connection was replaced by the transaction of “attention in exchange for support.”

Eva Perón (Argentina, 20th century).

An out-of-wedlock daughter who made the road from poverty to the position of first lady of the nation through her marriage to President Juan Perón.

Manifestation of the model: Her early years in Buenos Aires were marked by a search for patrons among military men and actors in order to survive and move her career forward. The marriage to Perón was a strategic union. Although she later became a philanthropist (which is closer to Teresa), the foundation of her success was laid by using relationships to gain power and resources. She understood that the love of the masses could be bought with social programs, and a man’s love by being useful to his career.

Anna Nicole Smith (USA, 20th century).

A model and actress who married the 89-year-old billionaire J. Howard Marshall when she was 26.

Manifestation of the model: This is a modern, tragic example of the Lilith model. She openly declared that she had married “for love,” but every circumstance pointed to a search for financial security. After her husband’s death, she spent years litigating over the inheritance, which became the meaning of her life. Her existence turned into a struggle for a resource, not for a life. The end of her story—loneliness, addiction, and early death—shows the price the psyche pays for swapping living feelings for monetary obligations. She became a hostage of the image she had chosen for the sake of security.

Paul Getty (J. Paul Getty, USA, 20th century).

An American oil magnate, in his day the richest man in the world—one of the purest, most “masculine” manifestations of the Lilith model: for him, money stood above any human connection, love included.

Manifestation of the model: Getty was married and divorced five times; one of his wives, in her divorce petition, accused him of emotional coldness and neglect. No matter how his fortune grew, he could never build closeness; feelings always stayed in the shadow of material things. The sharpest example of this thinking came in 1973: when his 16-year-old grandson was kidnapped in Italy, the richest man in the world refused to pay the ransom, declaring: “I have 14 grandchildren; if I pay a single penny, I’ll have 14 kidnapped grandchildren.” Only after the boy’s severed ear was mailed to a newspaper did he agree to a smaller sum, and he even lent part of the ransom to his son at interest. This is the logical limit of Lilith: here even love becomes a ledger entry, and the man remains emotionally alone in the middle of his millions.

5. EXITING THE MODEL (DEPRESSIVE AND AGGRESSIVE)

When material values stop bringing joy, the crisis begins.

The depressive exit: The person sees the emptiness. “I’m rich, but I’m alone.” Lilith withdraws into herself, begins to deny the value of money, and slides into either reckless spending or apathy. This is the bifurcation point, where a transition to the Teresa model (altruism) or the Puttana model (rebellion) becomes possible. In the depressive phase, the bearer of the model grows more dangerous to the morals of those around her, trying to test others morally and punish those who fail the money test.

The aggressive exit: The person is angry at the world. “People are ungrateful.” Lilith begins punishing others, using money as a weapon of manipulation. This deepens the isolation and can lead to a shift into the Courtesan model (the game of love) or a descent deeper into Lilith. As in the film Indecent Proposal, the hero can use money to destroy someone else’s love out of envy, much like Lilith, who hates Eve.

6. MARIA’S STORY. THE PATH OF “LILITH”

At twenty-four, Maria still laughed so loudly that people on the subway turned to look at her, and it didn’t embarrass her a bit. She rented a room on the edge of the city with a friend, was in her third year of building other people’s presentations at a firm that kept confusing her last name with a coworker’s, and was sure none of it would last: another year, two at most, and her name would be printed in conference programs, and her parents would finally see that their daughter had made it on her own, with no one’s help.

She had wanted to prove it to them since childhood. In their house the fights were always about one thing, money, and they took place in the kitchen, behind a door that muffled nothing. On those evenings little Maria would carry tea to her father, show her mother a report card full of A’s, and study their faces to see whether it had helped. That was when she worked out two rules she wouldn’t recognize for years: you are loved for being useful, and where there is enough money, nobody yells.

The city told her the same thing, only without words. It showed her store windows, other people’s cars parked outside the firm, a department head who was forgiven any stupidity because her husband was who he was. By twenty-four Maria was tired of counting the days until payday, and even more tired of waiting for the life she had come here for to begin.

Rafael was a client of the firm. He noticed her at a meeting where she was clicking through the slides, asked her to dinner a week later, and at the end of that dinner set a narrow case on the tablecloth in front of her. The gold was cold and unexpectedly heavy when he fastened the bracelet on her wrist himself, and next to the case he laid the keys to an apartment downtown. His tone was calm, the tone people use for delivery schedules: he would take over her life, and she would keep her evenings free for him and ask no questions.

Maria had noticed his wedding ring back at that meeting. Now she looked at the keys and did the math: the room on the edge of the city, forty minutes on the subway, five years to a job where they get your name right. Her hesitation was brief, and, to be honest, the ring had nothing to do with it.

“Spending five years getting there when I can have it all in one evening is just stupid,” she thought. “I’m not looking for a husband. I need something to lean on, and something to lean on costs money.”

“Agreed,” she said, and covered the keys with her palm.

The first month was easy. She quit the firm without waiting for the end of the week. A mirror took up a whole wall of the new apartment’s entryway, and in the mornings she stood before it for a long time in yet another dress, working out what she cost now, and the figure came out high. To her mother she wired as much as her mother earned in half a year, and when asked “Where is this from?” she answered, “A bonus.” Her mother was silent on the line for a moment and then said thank you.

Nina, the friend she had shared that room with, heard from her less and less. It wasn’t arrogance, Maria felt; there was simply nothing left to talk about. Nina complained about the landlady and the price of a transit pass, and Maria listened and converted those complaints into money, and the sums came out so small that she grew bored. The phone they used to chatter on at night went into a desk drawer, because Rafael had given her a new one.

“Love is a fairy tale for the poor,” she decided one day, looking over her bank statement, and she liked how grown-up the thought sounded. “Real things are bought and paid for.”

Rafael came twice a week, left an envelope on the little table in the entryway, and was gone by midnight. Where he spent the other days she didn’t ask; that wasn’t part of the arrangement. Sometimes, already dressed, he would linger in the doorway and tell her something unrelated to business: about his son, who was afraid of water, or about how he himself had nearly drowned in the harbor as a boy. At such moments she wanted to ask more, and stopped herself: getting attached to the man who keeps you was, to her mind back then, unprofessional. Yet one Thursday, when he was supposed to come and didn’t, she caught herself listening for the elevator, and she was as angry as if she had caught herself stealing. Waiting for him wasn’t part of the arrangement either, and in her new life whatever wasn’t part of it did not exist.

In the third month, on a Sunday, a message arrived:

“This month is going to be difficult. I’ll bring less. Don’t call.”

Maria read the message several times and felt heat rise to her face. She searched herself for hurt and found none. What she found was the anger of a customer who has been shortchanged and then asked to keep her voice down.

“How dare he? I gave him three months, every evening he wanted, and he cut me back the way you cut back on gas money.”

That evening he came by in person and, without taking off his coat, put an envelope on the table. It was thin, and she saw that before she picked it up.

“Business is business,” he said, looking past her, out the window.

“I’m not a business.”

“You’re an investment. And investments carry risk.”

He said it without malice, almost wearily, and for that very reason she had no answer. The door closed behind him with a dry click.

Notice that what outrages Maria is not the disregard for her feelings at all. She has been “marked down,” and she thinks about it in the words of a deal, because Lilith has no other language for relationships.

All night she sat on the edge of the bed with the keys and the envelope on the bedspread in front of her, looking at them the way you look at your cards after losing a hand. Crying wouldn’t come. She tried to remember the last time she had laughed out loud and couldn’t; she tried to remember Rafael’s face, and all that came was his hands holding an envelope and, for some reason, the boy who was afraid of water. Then it occurred to her that her mother, on the phone that day, had probably understood everything and taken the money anyway, and the thought made her feel sick.

The worst part was that he was right: she had named her own price, that evening over the jewelry case. Being angry at him, though, was far easier than being angry at herself.

“You decided you could mark me down like merchandise that’s sat on the shelf too long. Fine. If this is business, I’ll send you the bill.”

Toward morning she took the old phone out of the drawer. It took a long time to turn on, then showed one percent of battery and the lock-screen photo: she and Nina in the kitchen, both covered in flour, both howling with laughter.

“It’s me,” Maria said when Nina picked up. “I’m coming back.”

“Back where?” Nina asked sleepily and, it seemed, without surprise.

“To myself. And I’m going to settle up with him.”

The screen went dark before Nina could answer.

The envelope, the keys, and the bracelet stayed on the table. The clasp was stiff, and the bracelet left a pale stripe on her wrist, like a watch at the end of summer. She didn’t bother to lock the apartment.

Outside it was cold and almost light, and a dampness was blowing in from the sea. She walked fast, then broke into a run, and at an empty intersection, where there was no one to turn and look, she screamed at the top of her lungs:

“I am not a thing!”

Her voice cracked. She laughed, and the laugh came out angry and hoarse, nothing like the one that used to turn heads on the subway.

“You wanted to get me cheap,” she thought, turning toward Nina’s building. “Now I’m going to sell your reputation. And it won’t be cheap.”